I greatly enjoy horror movies. There was a time in my life that I considered myself a horror movie buff. I might still be if I had the time, the means, and friends willing to sit with me for two hours without promising some kind of retribution involving Disney because movies should always be watched in groups of two or more. So I've seen a lot of disturbing things in my movie watching lifetime and The Last House on the Left has the usuals: blood, torture, murder, crazy intense rape scenes, and microwaves. But the main reason it is so disturbing is because of the way this graphic content works in tandem with my Bing-like mind. And by Bing-like mind, I mean the kind of mind of association you see in the Bing commercials where people can't focus on the content right in front of them and can only think about the things that are associated with the things they're supposed to be thinking about. You see, I shouldn't even call it a Bing mind because in the context of the commercial, it is a Google or some other search engine mind, but to me, I can only think about it being a Bing commercial and the two will forever be linked now in my association hungry mind context be damned.
Anyways, the point is, when I watched this movie, this is how I saw it (keep in mind that other than like two bit players these are ALL the characters in the movie):
The Father- played by Tony Goldwyn. Okay, I can start here because at the time of watching I had no idea who he was and all I could do was focus on his weird no-eyebrowness. Then I went home and looked him up and it turns out he was the voice of Tarzan. And now I keep thinking Son of Man and Jane had such a hard time in their lives and they finally got together and this beautiful baby of two worlds was gifted to them and they raised her together in harmony between the jungle and the concrete jungle, and then someone came and raped her and left her to die.
The Mother – played by Monica Potter. When I used to think of Monica Potter, I thought of Con Air which brought up Nicolas Cage which brings up Face/Off and Luke Cage, Jessica Jones, etc. all at the same time and. Wait. I'm Bing-minding again. Now when I see her, all I see is Kristina Braverman from Parenthood. And what is Kristina Braverman, loving mother of autistic son Max, doing? Why she is shredding a man's hand in a garbage disposal so he can drown in his own blood. And also, this totally makes the daughter Haddie and that is just so painful and unforgivable and sad to me.
The Boy – played by Spencer Treat Clark. This is the little boy from Double Jeopardy and Unbreakable. While I didn't get any real emotional connection to either of those roles, I do know what this guy looked like at 10 years old and he looked very much like he does at 21. So everything I saw on that face got morphed onto that of a 10 year old's. All that fear and pain and guilt on a boy of 10. And tears. Don't forget tears.
Big Time Bad Guy – played by Garret Dillahunt. He's from Raising Hope and I don't actually watch that show. But I do want them to keep that baby away from him.
Bad Guy's Brother – played by Aaron Paul of The Choking Man (and some other stuff I guess). Now it's been a long time since I've seen that movie and Wikipedia isn't helping but didn't he end up redeeming himself in the end and becoming somewhat likeable? My views on the character are skewed because I didn't like the main guy on account of him being uber boring and I guess by default that makes his foil good? I don't know. Stab him in the head with a hammer if you really want to, Tarzan.
Bad Guy's Girlfriend – played by Riki Lindhome of Garfunkel and Oates. My thoughts shoot two places with this one. One is to her partner Oates as The Gooch on Scrubs. The other is to her very prominent role on Nuthin' But a Glee Thang. And I just worry so much that the next time I watch it I won't be ably to focus on Hemo wanting to cage Naya like a monkey rat or Harry's utterly awesomeness because I'll still be having flashbacks of her involvement in the rape scene. Who am I kidding? I mean it's Heya and Harry we're talking about. Though I might have random bouts of “Hey Garfunkel! I've seen your tits!” Heather Morris, do you know who your friends are?
The Friend – played by Martha MacIsaac. Picture Michael Cera's face. Picture it with all of its adorableness. All of it's awkward dorkiness. All of its vulnerability and hopeful nature. He just has so much love and care in that heart of his and he's looking for the right girl to give it to. And right now, at this very moment, he's found her. Now imagine this girl that he's looking at. A girl he is completely infatuated with, totally devoted to, and heart breakingly in love with. Now imagine her getting stabbed a few times and dying alone on the forest floor after a failed mad rush towards freedom that was close enough to taste but not close enough. Because that is Martha MacIsaac, also known as Becca of Superbad fame. Now imagine his face again.
The Girl – played by Sara Paxton. Aquamarine. 'Nuff said.
And a few random other things about the week: 1) I finished Breakfast of Champions and it was epic. I swear for a moment there as Kilgore Trout, Dwayne Hoover, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., and I all converged in that hotel lobby, I thought the universe might just open up and swallow the book whole from my hands. EPIC. 2) I really wanted it to be Chang's baby. I don't like Andre. I don't like Chang that much either but it would've been way more interesting I think, especially in regards to Chang's involvement with the group in the future. Making it Andre's feels like a cop out. 3) Say what you want about Disney Channel because I couldn't care less but don't tell me Uno is not age appropriate. Have you ever played that game? Since when is having fun not appropriate for all ages? This is in regards to my DSP class. 4) Is it time to change my ringtone from Trouty Mouth to Songbird? No. You're right. I would just cry all the time (like Santana!) and I haven't even seen the episode yet. 5) Why would you put the Laker game on at the same time as Glee? How does anybody choose between those? Just why?
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